This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Randomize
