I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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