fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
