I puked a lego.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
