I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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