i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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