i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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