Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
