Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's shark week go big or go home
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
