I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
