So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
