I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
