your parents love me but you hate me
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
