WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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