I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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