this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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