I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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