Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
