I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
