I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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