He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
