Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
