im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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