If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
