Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
