I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
