Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
