i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
