Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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