hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
