I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
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if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
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just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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