She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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