Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
