There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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