Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
