I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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