Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
