Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
