Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
