I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Let's get the cat blown out
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
