I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
