I cannot find my penis.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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