So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm always down for nudity.
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