her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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