well I can't set my house on fire every night
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
