fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
