i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
