mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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