You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
only if we run a train.
done.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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