Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
