next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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