Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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