I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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