Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My feet surprised me
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