well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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